New Paradigm Coaching Blog

Would you like to share feelings, get your needs met and feel empowered all at the same time? Talking and listening may seem to be second nature, however, sharing emotions and getting your needs met simultaneously may not come easily.

Upon boarding the commuter train yesterday to attend a conference, I watched and listened as my fellow commuters turned on iPhones or continued Blue Tooth conversations they had begun while waiting at the station.

Unavoidably, fragments of conversation drifted by, a kaleidoscope of routine and not so routine conversations. Mobile devices dissolve away surroundings, to be replaced by a personal, safe place to share what's going on.

I took a cue from fellow commuters to categorize my daily conversations according to purpose.

• Checking in [nurturing relationships]
• Problem solving [managing work-related items]
• Taking care of day to day issues [home related]
• Sharing what I deeply feel [talk about feelings]

Each of these types of conversations is important. However, sharing feelings can be the most empowering, although you may want to choose carefully when and where - perhaps not on a commuter train!

Digging into the landscape of strong emotions can be an intensely personal experience. And it takes courage to share that exploration. As women, showing emotions can come easily. We often fear repercussions, however. If precious feelings are discounted as "weak-willed," "sentimental" or "overly sensitive" such non-supportive responses erect walls to further communication. But there are important potential benefits for sharing strong emotions, especially those typically considered negative.

Sharing strong feelings provides:

• Relief by verbalizing [venting] in non-hurtful ways [feelings are not directed at your listener]
• Validation for your feelings - they are real
• Reaffirmation of the power of love and support from a trusted listener
• Clarity to move towards rational thinking and problem solving.

An important prerequisite to share feelings to get your needs met and feel empowered:

Effective sharing/feeling time is built on trusting your listener to respond as you desire. This brings up the potentially tricky part. Be honest with yourself: What sort of response do you look for? Before sharing your feelings, decide what you need, then ask for it.

Do you want confirmation of your viewpoint or judgment? Your listener may follow-up immediately by turning the conversation into a gripe session. "How could they be so inconsiderate or mean-spirited, or other judgment-laden label." Does this approach help you?

Do you look for advice to solve your problem? Are you turning to others for solutions? Your listener may want to help solve your problem under the guise of love and friendship, but advice may be limited by her own blind spots, attitudes, beliefs and experience.

Do you hope somebody will take away a strong emotion? A listener may want to divert your discomfort, pain or anger, especially if she feels uncomfortable with strong emotions. Alternatively, she may want to protect you and take on the emotions you share. How does this help you acknowledge and express your own feelings?

Do you want your feelings to be validated? Emotional support can go a long way to defuse strong emotions. Ask your listener to reflect back to you the emotion you shared, without her judgment or feedback. "I hear you feel angry, is there anything more you want to share" shows that your listener heard you.

Emotional clearing can be empowering when it opens the way to seeing circumstances as they actually are, and when it sets the stage to deal with strong feelings in healthy ways. Please remember, none of the above options is inherently "bad" or "good". Each can simply represent your choice in the moment. You can return to express a feeling with another goal in mind at a later time.

What are the most effective ways you use to share feelings, get what you need and feel empowered? I would love to hear from you!

I don’t have much time to collect coupons except when it’s easy, like a stack of yellow $1 off coupons right next to a yogurt display. I simply take one and hand it in at check out. So I was surprised to find myself a bit upset when I revisited the local drugstore only to discover that the $3 off coupon given to me earlier expired after 24 hours.

Somehow, the fact that I could have benefited from the coupon, and didn’t, rankled. I considered returning and asking for a $3 refund on my purchases.

It didn’t take me long to ask the question, “What’s my time worth?” More than the aggravation and $3. I tore up the coupon.

For these daily energy drains I ask myself, "Does my choice represent a time saver or a time waster?"

Waiting in line for a class I overheard a response, “If only there was a quick fix!”

Hmmm! What would life be like if there was a quick fix for every problem? Would we avoid extremes of joy/sadness? Would we lose opportunities for learning life lessons? Would we give up searching for a solution? Or searching for fulfillment?

I don’t think that kind of life would be satisfying, what about you? Can we be okay with solutions that require commitment and action? Maybe that’s what makes living worthwhile?